Naruto and the Church of Kancho
Author: rufiao
There was this day, when Naruto, an otherwise regular boy, became elightened. The culprit was nothing but the Church of Kancho.
Konoha, as you all know, is a city full of ghettos. Not ugly, or dirty ones, as you see elsewhere, but guettos indeed. In one of these guettos, several dozen kids began gathering, supposedly to conduct childish activities. They looked like so, playing hopscotch-jutsu and the like. It happended these boys and girls had an ulterior motive to do so, they actually wanted to attract attention from adults, and perform their disgusting activities afterwards.
Then, one day, our main character, Naruto, paid attention to this gathering. Confident he'd be acclaimed as a beloved hero, given his girlish need for recognition, he walked through the children crowd, just to feel he was not being perceived. That's puzzling, he thought, but nevertheless he kept moving throughout the dozens of children parked there. He only felt something was bizarrely wrong when some kind of unnatural feeling emmanated from his butt, as if some attempt to introduce a sharp, hard and rough thing, was made in his behinds. Quickly, he turned over to check what happened, just to see nothing was wrong. But then, again, the same "getting inside" feeling got into his nerves, and no matter how fast he tried to turn, it kept happening. After a minute or two suffering such pain, he took away his pride and went away in shame.
Would Sasuke's eye catch what happened, he thought, just to remember that Sasuke was doing some internship at Orochimaru's shack. Kakashi sensei maybe? No, that one would do nothing but to read adult books and bully his pupils. After some thought, he conceived a plan: if someone or something was tring to get into his exaust pipe, it wouldn't happen if he had transformed himself in a cute, blonde girl. After all, who would want to put something into a blonde girl's butt, specially if she was naked and surronded with fumes?
Unfortunately, the plan literally backfired, and Naruto had to evade the place very fast, before something really nasty got into place. And still, he had no idea about what happened, but after a lot of thought he got a clue: the kids -- yes, the kids! -- were responsible for that weird happenings. A new plan should take place, but this time Naruto wouldn't risk his belongings.
And so there was Naruto again mixed in the crowd, then a puff! followed by some kid with his two hands shoved inside a frog's rear side. Too fast for the eyes, so here goes the explanation: Naruto used some fake-jutsu (that trick where ninjas change something into something else) to make a frog (which he managed to get by using frog-jutsu) look like him. Then the Naruto-frog went into the kids's crowd, and voilą, mistery unfolded, the kids have been using KANCHOS for anyone who got into their self-proclaimed gueto. Of course, once a kancho was applied, the fake-jutsu was undone, and the truth revealed itself to the world.
[Translator note: a Kancho is some kind of nasty practice that kids in Japan use against someone they consider to be invading their space; the practice consists of clasping hands together leaving the index fingers out, which are used as an "itruder device" against the "enemy"; kids use this practice against anyone, no matter which age, sex, color, etc. -- which definitely includes you]
A Kancho? That's my business, Naruto said to himself. I must make contact with these kids, got to learn how they do it so fast and effectively, he added. So he yelled to the crowd: Take me to your leader!
Promptly, a boy, whose looks resembled a skid row dressed as a sumo fighter, appeared. Naruto couldn't even start to say something before he noticed how fat the boy's fingers were, and how nasty his nails looked. In a matter of microseconds, in less than a blink of an eye, the boy was showing him his middle finger. Even at a distance, the pain at Naruto's behinds instantly returned, this time much sharper, but now with a strange mix of pain and pleasure. Naruto then became enlightened by the church of the kancho, and since then, while in Konoha, he goes daily to its sunset meetings, just after a good bowl of ramen.